painful, agonizing FAILURE

[Jay]

Behind the second building, leaning against what was probably the west wall, though he’d never bothered to check properly, Alexander sat, arms crossed over his knees, staring across the sections of the grounds he could see. The sun was already starting to drop farther down towards the horizon, which furthered his assumption of which wall he was leaning against. The sun blinded his eyes whenever he raised them, so he was forced to continue staring down, sight locked for the most part on the soft green grass.

He’d been there for about an hour since school ended, doing homework, reading, just generally avoiding life as much as he could. He’s fond himself sitting behind the building for the better portion of his after school time. It was much better than behind the clock, or inside the school. The clock wasn’t well lit, and inside the school just lead to too many questions.

“What are you doing here so late?”
“Do you need any help with that assignment?”
“For chrissakes, no-name, get the hell away from us.”
And the like…

The only people that ever seemed to walk around the buildings after school tended to be the people that enjoyed nature, and/or sunsets. That or couples. He could just barely see one of said couples sitting on a bench some 50 yards away, and he smiled to himself.

After some time of quiet contemplation, coupled with musing over the essay on short stories due on Tuesday, Alexander stood up, pulling his arms above himself and lacing his fingers together, stretching out his arms and back as best he could. He’d grown remarkably stiff from sitting still the whole time. Once sufficiently stretched he adjusted his sleeves, which were about baggy enough to fit another whole person in them. He rolled them up nearly to his shoulder, and secured them in place with one of the many safety pins he had shoved in his pants pockets. He never knew when they would come in handy, and more often than not carried at least a dozen of them on himself at a time.

Once his sleeves were rolled, he began pacing. Slowly at first, but as time passed the steps became quicker and quicker. Anyone that had been there to see him would have likely been confused, unless of course they’d been able to tap into his thoughts and hear exactly what he was repeating to himself in the confines of his mind.

“You can do it, Alex. Yes you can, come on now. Just concentrate.” The time passed as such, ticking by slowly with Alexander’s incessant pacing. Eventually, after what would seem to be a nice personal pep-talk, He stopped pacing and closed his eyes, screwing his face up tightly and focusing with all his might on his task.

It started slowly, likely the sheer force of his determination egging him on, and he felt small shivers running up his sides. He ignored the idea of pain, because he knew there would definitely be pain, and concentrated firmly. The pain started slowly along his jaw line and the base of his neck, light enough for him to ignore, but it kept growing steadily. He tried to ignore it as best he could, but when was felt like a skull shattering, sharp pain ripped its way down his spine and all through his head, his eyes popped open and he slumped back against the wall. He didn’t noticed he’d screamed, but really, he was too preoccupied by the pain that being unable to change had brought on.

“Goddamnit.” He breathed out, practically on the verge of tears. He sniffed them back and rubbed his eyes. He tugged at his ears, pointed and furry after his last effort, and couldn’t help but smile a bit. “Some werewolf.” He muttered “cant even change….”

He slid down the wall and closed his eyes once more; happy no one had been around to see his ineptitude, and miserable defeat.

[Zip]

June, being the loser that she was, walked the school grounds with the confidence of a failed rebel. There was no desire to go home, in spite of her guitar calling, not today. With the days drawing shorter, the sunsets drew nearer, and living in an apartment that didn't face west, she rarely got to see the beautiful rainbows that spilled the sky.
Soon, she wouldn't even have a choice in the matter, since winter would be blustering through, greying the sky and obliterating the chance of any inspiration at all.
Various thoughts of people scattered her, not bothering her mind in the least--distance was key. The farther away she was, the better. Only the soft murmurings of couples making out behind the buildings or the pounding, and the violent thoughts of skaters on the outside.
She pushed these aside, knowing there would be no philosophy found.
As if my thoughts are any better, she thought, a breathy laugh escaping her, remembering to the rather awkward study hall between her and the fellow Gabriel. How her train of thinking got sidetracked to Zander (was it a crush? It still bothered her immensely. Rather ironic, since she's the mind reader, right?), and so rudely intruded on the thoughts of a fellow musician.
The songs were beautiful, oh God, how they were. Then again, all music to her was good, so long as the melody carried a good message.
That's one thing she loved about Cloud Nine, how the individuality was nourished, rather than squashed. Provided her with much to think about, and to push out her father's worried mind. He'd always lie in bed, sometimes until three in the morning, concerned if he was being a good enough Dad to her, with her mother gone and all.
Again and again, she would try and reassure him, she's fine, he's doing a great job of being a parental unit. He'd smile, say thanks, and struggle to cover up his low-esteemed mind.
While thinking of this, family matters and the like, a yell pierced the air, distracting her.
She turned a corner to see a young man sitting against the hard-brick building.
A tightness built in her chest, her throat torn and bobbing, as if she were about to cry. She saw him feeling his ears, which were pointy and furry, sticking out almost forcefully. He muttered something to himself,
-can't even change-
bitterly narrowing his eyes.
She bit her lip, as she often did when we was about to intervene with someone's business. It wasn't that she was nosy, she just always heard when someone was upset, would hear it in her HEAD, and would feel their pain, the angst that rode their shoulders.
Mentally, she slapped herself, saying that it was a bad idea.
"Hey, dude!" she called, walking over, "There's no need to feel shame in that!"

[Jay]

Alexander near jumped out of his skin at hearing the voice. He looked up, shying away from the person who’d walked over to him. He gave her a quick once over and then looked away. How many people were there in the entire school that really wanted to talk to him? One, maybe. And for some reason or another he felt that, just like everyone else he’d met, she wasn’t the one to do so.

He felt her standing there and tugged on his ears once more, pulling them down as best he could so that they lay flat against his head. He looked up at her, eyes wide with what could be considered either nervousness or uncertainty, perhaps both

“No need to feel shame in what?” he asked. His words were low, careful. They seemed unfocused, as did he. “The change thing? Yes there is.” His voice sunk, even softer now, barely above a whisper.

He let go of his ears for a moment and leaned back against the wall, head tilted upwards towards the radiant colours across the sky.
Blue, red, yellow, orange, pink… he could have sworn he saw some purple tinting some clouds… he smiled.

“The wondrous illusion of self control.” He made a quiet noise in the back of his throat that could have easily been a laugh or a simple cough. “I don’t think I’ve ever had that feeling before. Self control and all that. I think it would be quite pleasant.” He still kept his talking at a low level, but even still he knew in the back of his subconscious that he should probably just can it. Yet he still muttered on. “Sometimes you just want to have control over your own life… you know what I mean? You probably know what I mean, or maybe then again you don’t… but at the same time… well…” Alexander trailed off. Brow furrowing in bemusement. He looked over at June “What in gods name was I talking about just there?”

He blinked a few times, and quickly looked from side to side, as if to assure himself of his surroundings. He raised his right hand to his mouth and started chewing on the third knuckle of his index finger, still looking completely confused. His left hand went casually to his ear, and he started suddenly, simple confusion transforming to pure shock.

“Where in the world did these some from?” He looked up at June expectantly, as if she would know exactly what had happened. He frowned and looked back down. Then his eyes shot up again “And who, exactly, are you?”

[Zip]

She cleared her throat, squeezing her eyes shut and willing away the rollercoaster that was this guy's mood.
"Dude...calm down, you're freakin' me out, man," she said, shaking her head.
Schizophrenic? Manic depression? Bipolar?
In any direction for whatever mind disorder was going on, she decided to answer his questions, or at least as many as she could remember.
"Feel no shame in not being able to change. You can't expect to do everything right away, or at least right the first time. My pops told me that when I started up guitar."
You dolt. Comparing physical changes to mental?
She laughed, a little nervously, at her concious pointing out the obvious. Looking at his head, she continued:
"And as for the ears? Well, you seemed to be struggling to change just before, and angry at yourself for not being able to. My name?--June. June Vedder, if you want to be formal."
As she took a step forward, hand outstretched, a white-blue shock shot through her leg.
Okaaay, maybe not.
Stepping back and retreating her hand, she folded her arms, feeling intensity of the reserved nature of 'the dude'.
Some giggling--nasty giggling--went through her head. She turned to see two girls snickering behind hands as they eyed her and her situation.
"OY!" she called, cupping her hands, "I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT JOSH THINKS YOU'RE A SLUT!"
One of them gaped, disbelieving that her crush would even think that of her.
Why does he think that?
"BECAUSE OF THOSE FUCKING THONGS YOU WEAR! HE WANTS TO TIE IT TO YOUR DESK AND WATCH YOU FALL OVER!"
June turned away from them, shaking her head, trying to dismiss all the insults that they desperately wanted to fling at her. Either way, June still got the blow, regardless if they said them or not.
Smiling, she informed him:
"They think I have herpes. You think so?"

[Jay]

Alexander shook of his confusion, his memories slowly being reassembled with June’s prompts. He lowered his arms to his side once more, and looked back out on the sunset.
“Hallo June.” He said, not looking at her directly as he addressed her. “And you know, it is kind of sad… you say first time, I say I’ve been alive nineteen years, been messed up for twelve… I’ve been like this since I can remember, and honestly, I can’t even get enough control to change? You cannot tell me that is all fine and dandy.”
He continued to stare out at the sunset, blinking quite a lot more rapidly than could be normal. He refused to look anywhere buy dead ahead.

He did, however, turn his head when he heard her yelling at the girls. His eyes wide and his furry ears pressed back tightly against his head as he whipped it around to stare at her.
He flinched every time she yelled out a word, wanting to say something to interrupt her, make the loud noises stop, but every time he tried to open his mouth he found himself unable to say a thing. So he just waited it out, looking more than frazzled when she stopped yelling.

“Uh.. no?” he said, tentatively answering the question. He hadn’t quite heard it properly, due to his ears ringing like mad, and prayed that he’d given the right answer.

[Zip]

"Well then! Aren't they just the most stupid ditzes!" she said, almost motherly, hands on her hips and a look of confusion crossing her face.
"Never they mind. They're idiots."
She looked to him clutching his ears. A faint ringing caught hers, but obviously not as horribly as it had him.
"Oh Gad, I'm sorry about that, I should've realized with those ears you'd be more sensitive..."
You stupid bitch.
Now, what was it?
Oh yes!
"....anyway, back to the practicing dealio...well, I mean, my guitar thing isn't the greatest example, but it's all I can come up with. So, let's just use it for now. Yeah, I've been practicing and playing it for a long time now, a super-fucking-long-time...and...well..."
She shrugged her shoulders helplessly.
"I'm no Adam Jones, okay?"
She stared, not sure if she was getting across.
Nope.
"Okay. So, as you probably know, I got this...mind-reading thing. It can be a real pain in the ass, trust me-"
That's not the same thing!
"-it is. I have to constantly block out all this-" she gestured, "-noise--all these horomonal thoughts, all these fantasies, hates, hopes, desires, whatever. It's hard to concentrate in class."
So...?
"I have to train myself to block it out. And it's not perfect. I still get little squarrels of freshmen stuck in my head."
-And the squarrels of dear Mother and Father, don't forget that, Jupitor!-
Breathing in, she gazed out to the sunset, smiling. A faint breeze pushed across her brow, cooling the sweat that was building there from stress. She shifted her bag, hiding the hand-written Pearl Jam lyrics from sight, the strap tightly pulling down against her small, rectangular body.
"Well....anyway...I guess I hope that helps you, at least a little. Even if you are a bit of a shy-dude..."

[Jay]

Alexander looked up at June, a small grin on his face, showing the pointed ends of his yellowed teeth.
“It’s.. ah…. Thank you… really” it was hard to tell if he was blushing, or if it was just the sinking sun casting a reddish light across his face.
He ran his fingers through his hair slowly, wincing as he tugged through the few knots that he’d missed earlier while combing through them.

“I’m sorry if I… uh… ever accidentally overloaded your brain… or… whatever it was you said.” He let out a small chuckle, knowing that every word that left his lips sounded just as awkwardly forced out as they felt. He felt his clumsy gracelessness like a weight on the back of his mind, and tried to change the topic as quickly as possible before June cared to point it out.

“And I’m sure you pay guitar just fine… but… well I have no idea who Adam Jones is… but I’m sure you are just as good as him…” Alexander’s forehead wrinkled as his eyebrows narrowed in thought, “Er… does he go to this school or something…?” he looked around, feeling fully out of the loop. “Because, I mean… I’ve never heard of him so… but that’s not unlikely right?”

[Zip]

June's eyes popped out of her head.
"You've never heard of Adam Jones?"
No...not really.
"He's only the guitarist for Tool, a band that does it for the music and not the money! Oh God, it's not about the lyrics, it's about the feel of the rhythm, the wonderful flow of fingers on strings! Oh, man..."
Shaking her head, she dipped her head down, holding an imaginary guitar, electric sounds streaming from her mouth, in imitation of what she thought was genius.
Abrubtly, she halted, hooking her hands behind her back.
"Then again, I'm not too surprised. Not to sound condecending or whatever, but they're probably not your type, not unless if you go on into manic-mode like how you were before."
What?
"In other words, they're metal, they're transgressive, and they'll open your third eye."
Third eye?
"Yeah--ah, God, sorry, it's always a pain when I have conversations to seemingly no one--but yeah, third eye. That's our unconcious, that's the part we never listen to, that's the truth, man. Every so often, you gotta squeegee your third-eye clean and look to see what a shitty world we live in."
Throwing her head back, she let out a laugh, one of absolute freedom, no cares for what people thought--which, in itself, is ironic, out of all the people.
What are you talking about? Where did any of this come from?
"Look--Alex?--you're stressing. Alls I'm saying is that you should just re-fucking-lax, not work so hard, and just not feel pressure. Take it from me."
Again, she stood in somewhat awkward silence, feeling that she was speaking too much. Too many assumptions made on her part. Being a know-it-all.
Mouth moving and never stopping, never stopping with sermons of how to deal with life, when in reality, she should just be focusing on her own.
Instead of talking more, she reached into her bag, and pulled out a cd case with an eye on it. Three irises in one eye. Almost proudly, she presented it to Alex, as though holding a sacred staff than a preserved case.
"Here. Take it. Squeegee that third eye clean."

[Jay]

Alexander reached out hesitantly and took the apparently sacred item from June’s hand. He didn’t know exactly what she meant by third eye, but he supposed it would do well for him to have one. I mean, he figured she had one, and she seemed like a much more together person than he was. Except for maybe that guitar thing, that was a bit unexpected. But still, she seemed nice enough.

Nicer than anyone else he’d had the pleasure of meeting, at least.

‘Relax’, she’d said, probably good advice. He looked down at the CD. Maybe it could help him relax, Though from what she’d said of their style… well metal didn’t seem the apt thing to listen to to relax. He shrugged slightly. The cover was pretty cool, if not a bit creepy. He turned it over in his hands, reading the tracks and they looking back at the front.

“Uh… Thank you.” He said, “That’s uh... really sweet of you and all… and… thank you again…” he held it back out to her, shaking his head slowly “But.. The thing is I don’t really have anything to play it on at… home…” He looked down at the CD, held in his reddened fingers, and felt quite bad for rejecting the girl’s kind offer.
He looked up at June and forced a smile

[Zip]

His smile was strained, forced, and pitying. She could only give a sideways reply with her own mouth.
June took the sacred item back, sliding it into her messenger bag, biting her lip. Metal--not relaxing?
This is true.
But sometimes, it didn't have to be relaxing. Get something that provokes thought and steers your worrying mind away from the problems that you have, at least for awhile.
And he didn't have anything to play it on? Poor dude.
What's the third eye?
Breathing in, she looked to the sun again.
"Your third eye is logic. The prickly feeling you get on the back of your neck, the feeling of knowing, but you ignore it... do yourself a favour, and don't."
She paused, trying to slow her speech so it all would process. Talking quickly would not only spoil the effect, but she knew no one took anyone seriously who talked fast.
"It's frightening. When your third eye opens, you realize ugly truths about this world."
Trust me. I know. When my third eye opened, I knew I wouldn't have a problem with killing.
The sun lowered. Alex's mind was white, black dots speckling everywhere, thinking. He was quiet.
"Tell you what...you meet me here, same time tomorrow, and I'll bring my guitar. I'll give you a riff or two, how about it?"

[Jay]

Alexander’s ears perked up, and he couldn’t help the grin that pulled up at the corners of his mouth. That was one thing he had never expected to hear from anyone… ever…

“Are you serious?” It was honestly, as far as he could remember, the first time anyone older than eight and younger than twenty-nine had ever wanted to hang around him voluntarily.

“That would be cool… I’m here a lot… nothing better to do… I’m sure I…” he trailed off. His ears flattened against the sides of his head and his face was painted with a light blush. “I’m rambling aren’t I?”

He gave himself a nod, and the small smile returned. “I would love to hear you play.”

[Zip]

"Fantastic! Keep in mind, it'll be acoustic..."
Such an excitable boy. He didn't even care.
"Alright! Catch ya on the upside!"
She took his hand (presumptious, much?), shook it, and turned. Success. His once-manic mind had turned for the radiant.